Who doesn’t love Jason Statham? Kelly Brook, that’s who – bit of a dated reference, but let’s carry on regardless – I watched the trailer for Hummingbird, the latest effort from the world’s most dangerous man,
Here is a breakdown of this two minute masterpiece.
Neon Soho (also the name of my third ‘comeback’ album), night. Rain pours from the sky. A homeless man in a tracksuit sleeps beneath cardboard with a young blonde girl. A gang approach. Violence erupts. The girl screams. The homeless man is hurt, stabbed. She runs. He protects her. He gets away onto the roof tops of London. He finds an open window. He falls in. Lovely place. Answerphone, “This is Anton, I won’t be available on this number until October 11th.” (his name is not Anton but you get the idea).
“I need to turn my life around,” he growls. He looks at his face. Bruised, battered. His hair is long, it is Statham. Wham. His hair is gone. He looks tough. He works in a kitchen washing dishes. Now he is a chef. Some football thugs start shit in the restaurant. They send out Statham. He growls at the hooligans to leave. They do so but outside things get nasty. Idiots. Don’t they realise this chef is tougher than a boiled boot? One grabs his collar. Papow he is floored. Pow, block, pow. These idiots take a pummelling.
The owner sees ‘The Staths’ handiwork. “You want to work?” he asks.
“Yes.” comes the reply.
He has a suit. He kicks ass. He drives a nice car. He looks great, an old flame tells him so. He wears a coat. He meets a nun. She asks if he is hurting people. “Only myself,” comes the reply. Deep. The nun shows him a picture of a dead girl. It is the blonde from the beginning. He looks sad. He gets mad so get ready for some…
Statham walks through a lorry, it contains bodies in cardboard boxes.
He knows what is going on (I’m glad he does as I bloody don’t). He throws money on the floor for the homeless. Fifties mind. He is big time.
He tries to flee with the nun. Her cornette comes off. She looks fit.
Roof top. A posh party. Tuxes and canapés, you know the type, dick central. Statham arrives. He grabs a man. The man looks scared. People shout and scream. The Statham is relentless, he pushes the suit backwards through the throng, creasing his perfect suit. He holds him over the edge of the building.
I only watched it once so may have missed a few bits, but you get the idea. This film means business…just like ‘the Stath’.
Verdict: An incredibly enjoyable 2 minute romp through London and the best bits of the film. Confusing and visceral, the finished product will undoubtedly be a pile of shit.
To pretend you have seen the full film, say: “The bit where ‘the Stath’ knocked everyone out was incredible.”
Don’t say: “I cried twice.”